the revelation

I just found out from Yeyent's blog that she's pregnant and she's so happy there were tears of joy! WOW! That's intense! It made me feel guilty and embarrassed i actually felt sad about being pregnant.

Yes, you didnt read wrongly. I felt sad, unexcited, unhappy... Basically all the bad feelings. Although we had told LOTS of people about it, i do not wish to be congratulated (until i was sure of it myself that i AM happy). That feeling never came. And if you knew that i cried for more than one week - feeling undecided about the bean baby in me - i'll probably be condemned as a terrible mom.

I wrote this (below) about 2 months ago and i also didnt feel like posting it. It was more for myself to write down what i felt. I could choose to delete it or post it at a later time. Anyway, most of the people whom we care about and read this blog already knew that we're having another baby. So it didnt matter to me who knew and who didnt. I still wasnt ready to be congratulated.

Here's what i wrote:
We found out a few days before we left Singapore. The revelation came as a BIG SHOCK (!!!!!) to us and we didnt know what/how to react. I wasnt happy and Elvis was stunned although he kept his cool and said perhaps it's fate.

Somehow, i've been "feeling pregnant" for a week with an extremely larger (than my usual) tummy and i told Elvis i could be pregnant. Elvis even asked me "Whose?". I had not even missed my menses yet. I just "felt" that i was pregnant. One day, we decided to buy the pregnancy test kit on our way to the lasik clinic for our 2nd review in the afternoon. There were 2 kinds and we bought the more expensive one becoz we needed to be VERY SURE. (These things actually cost a lot cheaper in Shanghai...maybe something like 5 bucks!) After the review, he bugged me to go use the toilet again. I opened the box and read the instructions. It was simple. Pee onto the tip of the indicator and place it on a flat surface for 1 minute. 1 line is negative. 2 lines is positive.

The second i started peeing onto the indicator, i could already see TWO red lines! It's that instant! This cannot be happening! And my lasik-perfected eyes are working fine. I continued to place the indicator on the toilet-roll holder for 1 minute, hoping that perhaps it will change to 1 red line. I know it sounds silly...

I quickly booked an appointment with my gynae in Singapore that same day. It was a walk-in appointment and we had to wait till 5pm to hear him confirm the news. I kept saying, "O no, o no..." when i saw the black dot. He assured us that it's a good thing and he didnt regret having his third & youngest daughter even in his late 40s. (She is 6 years old now and brings him much joy whenever he goes home.) But i think it's definitely good news to him coz i'm bringing him more business, right?!!!

Anyway, after the news had settled in, we still felt lost. Despite what friends and family said that 'Kids are gifts from God' etc etc... ultimately, i want to feel that i'm having the baby becoz i really want to have him/her. I'm worried about having to change our lifestyle, how my body is going to react/change, and not being able to look after Joel the best that i can from now on. Joel is still such a "baby" and i might not even be able to do simple things like to carry him from now. The thought of it makes me very sad... With 2 kids, it's definitely NOT going to be easy...especially in Shanghai where the standard of living is so high. I checked a few maternity packages here with really exorbitant prices (which can pay for 6-7 maternity packages, deliver 4 or more babies by C-section and deliver lots more babies by natural birth in Singapore) and i'm even more certain that i do not want to go through with this. It's has been a mental struggle for the past one week. Plus already feeling the "side effects" of pregnancy, it made it worse for me. I feel awful...

BUT we've decided to have this baby and i pray that God will guide me through this second pregnancy and i believe that He will provide for our family.

Joel will be almost 3 years old when his little brother/sister is born in October... Countdown with us and keep us in your prayers. ;)