which is better

That's the question i'm asked pretty often lately. Living in Singapore or Shanghai?

Most people feel i'm pitiful to be stuck with Joel 24/7 and i cannot go out peacefully. In some ways, this is true. But i've only felt this way right now, right here, when we're in Singapore. In Shanghai, i go out whenever i please, knowing that Joel is safe with Ahyi. He even waves Bye-Bye to me when i leave, and i get a sweet smile when i come home. I dont feel guilty going out.

I feel suffocated here especially now that Joel is uncontrollable and super "sticky" to me (and only me). Literally i'm suffocated in the heat too. Ever since i've had Joel, i've been perspiring more easily than ever (hormonal changes?), and it feels terrible having to wrestle an active kid in this climate. Joel is also very afraid of the heat. Hence, i prefer having him indoors, at home. Besides, he cries when i disappear from his sight for a minute and he even follows me to the toilet - to pee, shit and bathe. Yes, it's this bad!

In these 3 weeks after Elvis left, other than the few times i've met up with my girlfriends, visiting Elvis' parents and visting Aunty YenYen's new condo, we havent done much "socializing" or catching up with wanna-meet-if-have-time friends. However, we've been going to IMM many times a week, thanks to Aunty Audrey who always suggest bringing Joel out for a ride. It also helps that i get some help with the bags etc from my sisters/mom. As for bringing Joel out alone, i'll most probably give it a miss... There's just too many things to "worry" about - Joel misbehave, Joel wants me to carry him throughout, bring stroller or not...and of course, the heat.

Elvis asked me to leave Joel at home with my parents, and go out alone with my friends. BUT BUT BUT how can i do that knowing that Joel will cry his lungs out??? If Joel is indeed feeling lost in a new environment (i'm trying to justify his "stickiness"), i wouldnt want him to feel that Mommy is gone too.

I guess i'm feeling the "helplessness" of most fulltime mothers WITHOUT ANY HELP from grandparents or maid. There's a term 'SAHM' (Stay-at-home-mom) which i hate becoz it just sounds "pitiful". I'm sure these mothers chose to stay at home becoz they really want to look after their kid(s) the best that they can, watch them learn and grow daily and to nuture them. Not becoz they havent got anything else better to do. They're not good-for-nothings staying at home. Everyone can make all the money they want, but their kid's childhood years are gone in a flash.

I dont consider myself a SAHM becoz I stopped working before i became a mom. When we went to Shanghai, Elvis is supportive of my not working and he doesnt mind my bumping around. After we had Joel, it just makes my bumping around even more meaningful. Haha!

My answer to which i prefer? Living in Shanghai or Singapore? Yes, i miss Shanghai and i definitely miss going out alone in Shanghai.